Feeling down tonight

I'm feeling very down tonight. I got very, very tired around 3pm today and procrastinated on the internet for a couple of hours before going to the store, ostensibly because I felt sleepy but in actuality, I think, because I didn't want to deal with it.

Around 5:30 I thought back to a conversation from earlier and realized that I probably screwed up and missed orientation this afternoon. When I checked in at Student Services earlier, she told me to go to Aoi Hall for my placement test tomorrow morning, and said there was an orientation in the afternoon. At the time, I thought she meant *tomorrow* afternoon, but in hindsight I now think (or fear) she must've meant today. Of course by the time I remembered this it was too late to do anything about it.

It shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm feeling very unclear about how things are going to work at the school, and of course the fact that they've only been communicating with me in Japanese just increases my anxiety. I wanted to get clarification about the recycling (apparently we have to sort it ourselves, it's complicated, and there are dire consequences if it gets done wrong) and find out useful stuff like where to find breakfast. Not to mention have the chance to meet people.

Anyway, I'm annoyed with myself for misunderstanding and annoyed with Yamasa for not really telling me anything since I got here. I've been left completely to my own devices since I was picked up at the airport (by someone who also only spoke Japanese). Which isn't a terrible thing, they gave me a map and all, but I feel a little concerned without any sort of guidance at all. (For example, my key came with a letter that I clearly needed to sign and drop off at Student Services, but there were no instructions that said to do so.)

Anyway. So I made a mistake (I think). It happens. I'm sure it will get sorted out, but on top of already feeling tired this afternoon that just made me feel even less capable of dealing with stuff.

Food is already a pretty serious challenge. Normally I pay very close attention to what I eat -- I always read the labels and try to choose things without added sugars, etc. And I avoid certain foods. But here, I can't read the ingredients, and sometimes I can't even tell what something is. Between that and the traveling, I haven't been able to maintain my practice of avoiding sugary and simple-carby foods, so my blood sugar levels have been all over the place, which also doesn't help anything.

It's very distressing to me to be functionally illiterate. Even if labels are written in hiragana instead of kanji, I often don't know the meaning of the word. So buying anything has been kind of a gamble, and forget all my normally healthy choices, like yogurt without added sugar. I'm lucky if I can tell the yogurt from the pudding.

The grocery store was insanely overwhelming. I find myself thankful for global brands and for products that have representative pictures on their labeling. Even so, I wasn't able to find everything I need, the worst being laundry detergent -- of all the stupid things to be stymied by.

I knew going into it that I probably wouldn't be able to find a Japanese version of my American detergent, which is the fragrance-free sort since my skin can sometimes react to weird stuff. But standing in the aisle examining packages, I couldn't even figure out what was detergent and what was, say, liquid fabric softener. And then I wasn't sure if there were different sorts and I needed a specific one for my washer. I eventually gave up and came home... tonight I will rinse a couple of things out just in water, and try the detergent again tomorrow. Maybe if I Google it I can find a photo of a product that will work. :/

I also got a little sunburnt today, which made me realize I need to buy sunblock, but I couldn't figure that one out, either. Too many other products look similar (lotions, facial cleansers, etc.) and if Japan uses the same SPF rating that we do, I couldn't find any bottles that had it on them.

So. That's frustrating. I *did* succeed in buying some fruits, miso mix, prepackaged sushi for dinner, some juice and a big bottle of iced tea. And yogurt. (At least, I'm pretty sure it's yogurt.)

One more lesson of the illiterate: watching other people is incredibly useful. I find that in situations where I can't read the signs or don't know what's expected of me, my first instinct is to imitate / blend in.

I reminded myself over and over that it was just a grocery store, that they work the same everywhere and it is not that complicated. It was still so stressful though. The layout wasn't what I expected, and there were a lot of things that I couldn't figure out what they were at all. They have weird checkout rituals that I haven't entirely comprehended yet -- for instance, instead of bagging anything for you, they put it in a basket, which you then carry to a counter beyond the registers to bag things yourself. And there's this little tray that maybe you're supposed to put your money in, instead of just handing it over?

For the woman in front of me, the cashier put a plastic bag into the basket for her to use, but for reasons unknown, he didn't give me one. (Maybe I needed to ask for one? Maybe they cost extra?) Luckily I had brought a fabric shopping bag I acquired earlier at the 100 Yen store, but it wasn't quite big enough and I still had to carry a few things in the other hand. Again, not a big deal, but it made me feel more incompetent and like I don't understand what's going on.

I feel mentally and physically exhausted. My brain is in overdrive trying to figure out how to say the simplest things; just passing someone on the street is anxiety-inducing as I worry that they'll say something to me and I won't understand it. Skyping and IMing with a couple people earlier notwithstanding, I feel desperately lonesome to talk to someone in English. I feel very aware that everyone I know is on the other side of the world right now, and asleep.

Wow. I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to finish this post. I guess I spoke too soon about not being jetlagged. Shower and bed now... tomorrow will be better. (I have to say this is kind of how I expected to feel yesterday... I know the first few days will be the worst.)

Jaa mata...