I love it here.
I'll be honest, the Japanese classes at Columbia were never exactly what I'd describe as "fun". We moved fast, we didn't get much time to practice the new things we'd learned, it was so challenging and often frustrating. I usually left class feeling mentally exhausted, like I could hear my neurons sizzling from the exertion. And I always felt a little dumb, as I struggled to memorize everything.
I expected this to be so hard. I thought by the end of two weeks here, I'd miss everything from home: my friends, my cats, the food, a working cell phone, all the Stuff I didn't bring with me. When I planned to spend a month here, a part of me wondered whether it would be too long.
But today I realized that I only have two more weeks here, and it made me want to cry. The last thing I want to do is come home. I'm already trying to figure out if I'll be able to do this again next year, maybe for longer.
I thought I would have Moments here. Times when I wouldn't be able to hack it. I thought I would have social anxiety, I thought I'd be stressed out and frustrated, I thought there would be times I'd be lonesome and homesick and feel like I'd gotten myself in over my head. I thought there would be parts of this trip that would be better in retrospect than at the time. But you know, it hasn't happened yet, and everything is only getting easier.
Yesterday I found the soy milk at the grocery store, and also discovered they sell American peanut butter. Felt ridiculously accomplished. And I was thinking, everything feels so normal now. Two weeks ago, I could barely figure out how to feed myself. And now I'm buying groceries, doing laundry, going to the post office, all the normal things you do. Walking to school in the morning, eating lunch with my classmates, planning what to do over the weekend. And it all feels so totally ordinary. It's amazing. Just two weeks and things barely seem strange at all.
I just went to the convenience store for something, and asked the clerk if they had it, and she said "no, we don't but we have this other thing", and I said "oh, that's good, I'll take this as well", and then when I paid she asked if I had 3 yen and I, without even taking a second to think about it or translate it in my head or even look at the total on the register, said "hai" and handed her three of the correct coin.
And then I got out the door and partway home and realized what had just happened, and I was so delighted I actually laughed out loud. And then I noticed something that's somehow escaped my attention up until now: I'm having FUN! I'm having more fun than I've had in ages.
I love living on my own and not being all that close to anyone here. It means my time is my own and I get plenty of space, plenty of opportunity to do whatever makes me happiest without worrying about anyone else's needs. And if I'm ever lonesome there's Skype and IM to people back home, and plenty of opportunities to make plans with people here. It's the perfect balance.
Yesterday I went to the post office to get money, buy some stamps and mail postcards. Same kind of experience as the convenience store. I asked how much it was to send mail from here to the States. The clerk asked if I was sending postcards, and I said yes. She told me it's 70 yen. "Can I use these stamps?" I asked. "No, but I can sell you these here, how many do you need?" And so on.
Rocket science? God no. But here I am, talking to normal people at normal conversational speed, understanding what they're telling me and able to make myself understood in return. It sounds inane to put it in writing, but I've broken through some kind of wall. I've noticed that I'm reading and writing much faster, without having to think so much about each character, and my conversation skills have of course improved about a million percent.
Not only that, but I generally don't translate things to English in my head anymore. Which is super weird. I'm thinking in Japanese a lot and, when talking to someone back home, having a hard time remembering only to speak English. I keep saying something in Japanese and then catching myself and translating it, because that's the habit I'm in from school, attempting Japanese first and only resorting to English if I can't figure out how to say it.
Hanging out with my fellow students at lunch, we have real conversations now. Not all native English speakers. There are people from China, Taiwan, Singapore. We're not exactly debating the finer points of philosophy, and yet...
"Do you want to have lunch with us?"
"Sure, where should we go?"
"Let's just go to Domy, I have a test this afternoon so I want to eat quickly and study."
"Sounds good."
"Are you going to see the fireworks on Saturday?"
"Is it Saturday? I thought it was Sunday."
"No, it's Saturday."
"I don't know yet. I want to go but I haven't been to Okazaki Castle yet. I don't know how to get there."
"A group from Yamasa is going to meet at the school and go over."
"Oh really, what time?"
And so on!
Actual communication!
It looks kind of retarded writing this down, but seriously, this is the best thing ever. I get a rush every time I walk away from a conversation and realize just how much was said.
When I withdrew from my Columbia Japanese class last October, I felt like I'd never get anywhere close to being fluent, even if I studied the language for 5 years. (I studied French for 5 years. Do I speak French? Heck no.) But now I feel like I'm already halfway there.
I don't have my boyfriend. I don't have my cats. I don't have all my clothing, or my books, or my video games, or all the other assorted crap that lives in my house. I don't have a real kitchen or many dishes or food preparation implements. I don't have anything to do except learn Japanese, progressing as quickly (or slowly) as I like and practicing as much as I choose.
And I am totally, utterly, completely happy.
I was just sitting on my balcony, watching the last colors from the sunset slowly fade from the clouds and the stars start to come out. I want to remember this forever: the sound of the cicadas in the trees, the powerlines overhead, the funny tiny cars and scooters going by on the road below.
I'm remembering stuff about me. Stuff I'd kind of forgotten, or knew only in an intellectual sense without really believing. Things like that I'm smart, or that I enjoy being alone. I am capable of more than I'd come to think... and that is awesome.
I just hope I can succeed in bringing some of this feeling home with me.
Oh, by the way, I did well on my placement test and on our weekly test today, so it sounds like I'm moving to a harder class starting on Friday. I'm bummed to be leaving Momo-chan and the other familiar faces; it'll be hard to have to get to know a whole new group of people again. But it'll be good to be a little more challenged, too.
Hmm, sorry for the kind of woo-woo post. :P I'll take some pictures tomorrow to balance it out.
Oh, today Momo-chan, Julie-san and I went to see the new Naruto movie. The cute Japanese guy who worked at the movie theater kind of laughed when we said what we were seeing. :P Anyway, I enjoyed it, even though I don't know the backstory and couldn't follow all the nuances of what was going on. Another odd thing: the movie theaters here are assigned seating, so when you buy your ticket they show you a seating chart and ask what row and seats you want. I was glad we had Julie-san with us 'cause I would have been so confused by that!
We also went to the big CD/book/DVD/etc store in the mall and I talked myself out of buying some Gackt CDs -- CDs are way expensive here, I'm not sure why. 3000 yen seems about average.
I got a little overwhelmed by the book section; something about being illiterate in a bookstore definitely triggers some interesting panicky emotions for me. I guess it's because books are so important to me, and having them all turn to (apparent) gibberish is like some kind of weird nightmare. But I plan to go back soon and spend some more time trying to figure it out. I'd love to pick up a Murakami novel, just to give myself something to aspire to. And in a less literary vein, some manga too, of course.
The stores in the mall had some great Engrish, but I didn't bring my camera today. I saw, among other things, a shirt that said something like "You are making incorrect choices about the life". Good times.
I'll try to do a photo post tomorrow, since it looks like I have plans Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Eep.
